September 08, 2018

Rookie


My boss obliterated your plans right in front of me. I was a rookie, and it was my first meeting in the company. You stood there, mouth almost gaping, to match your half-opened lids. I wouldn't have guessed that it was your natural demeanor. A manner which would have been my only lasting impression of you.


It's all a blur now. Years have passed since I last saw you. During those times, all I could think about was a collaboration with you. How we were so good at creating strategies together. How we threw ideas in those small, dimmed huddle rooms; my heart pounding as I slowly watched you type in your laptop. Behind you was a door, and a glass wall where people could catch a glimpse of the interior.

We had an argument the week before, and the room felt as if it were getting smaller every minute, forcing us to breathe a bit louder. If I were reckless, I would have grabbed your head right then and there to draw more oxygen from your mouth.

The meeting concluded with an embrace of reconciliation. We thought the first hug was awkward, so we held each other for a second time. I heard the beating of your heart, and felt your cold hands.


Then there was the time we watched a movie together. We met outside the lobby. Your perfume was quite strong, that I knew you have just sprayed it on. It was Armani, the same one my ex-fiancee used. We walked to the mall, but a drizzle turned to a pouring rain. We stayed in one of the bus stops, drenched. Side by side, we stood as we searched for a car to take us. I took a sight of your wet hair, you looked better that way. I felt your eyes scanning me too. We caught each other, and immediately looked back to our phones, shivering.

The car was engulfed by your scent, it would stay with me until we took our seats inside the cinema. What were we watching again?


A week passed, and  I saw you bring a brown paper bag to my colleague's desk whilst she was away--a take-out after you had lunch together. All eyes were on you as everyone instantly deduced what was going on between you and her.

My chest bursted, tears fell. I was caught off guard.

A year and a half of relentless tension between us; be it anger, annoyance, or indecisions, my mind still inside that paper bag. If I had known what I know now, that there was a latency of desire between us, I would have relinquished my work ethics. But we remained at arms length away from each other. I indulged your requests of any form of rendezvous inside the office. Everything official, nothing personal after that movie.

We had successful collaborations. We gained considerable experience thanks to the calculated work environment. But when I cried that day, I knew I was a rookie when it came to you.

-------------------
Even...
This could be fiction.

x
Millie

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September 07, 2018

Swimming Pool


An acquaintance of mine coined it as "a serendipitous meeting." 

We were both swimming that night. The water temperature was just right for a good decompression. It was a tiring day. It was just the two of us there. I didn't talk to you because I was shy, and thought, well, you were gay and didn't want to do anything with me.  I was an idiot.

The next night, a group of foreigners had a party by the poolside. They all jumped in, and I had to admit, having been the only woman there frightened me. We moved to the edge and looked at each other. Were you having the same thoughts? Introductions were made. I was from Tower 1, and you were from Tower 3. We agreed to see each others' units because there was only 1 working elevator in my tower, and I needed to move to either Tower 2 or 3.

I got a call from my boss for a report. I told you to wait for me by the pool within an hour. Surprisingly, you patiently waited. 


Your unit looked much better than mine. Quite homey akin to an older sister's touch. He must be gay. It was a quick tour, and soon after, we went to my unit. You lingered there, eager to have a nice chat. I wasn't. I was exhausted, and had a report to finish. 

What do you do?

Digital Manager.

What's that?

Well.. (explains)

How about you, what do you do?

Huh?

For work, what do you do?

Oh I'm a student.

Ah, master's degree?

No, bachelor's. graduating.

.  .  .

Wait, how old are you?

I was stunned. You thought I was 23-25 (thank you), and I thought you were about 24-27. Give or take, we both assumed that we were around the same age. Not only was he young, he was very straight, and had a girlfriend.

"Mazui" is a Japanese word meaning "this is gonna fuck you up," I'm kidding. The literal translation is "not good." And that's exactly what I muttered. 


You started visiting me, asking to watch a movie. This is not the netflix and chill kind, but you actually wanted to watch a movie whilst complaining about your girlfriend, and how she horribly treated you. I wasn't as enthusiastic as you were. Our age difference showed tremendously. 


Another form of zen moment for me was cleaning my place, and you would always drop by whenever I was sweeping the floor, or scrubbing the bathroom. I reluctantly obliged at first; but then it became a habit, like a soap opera on the radio, I followed your stories. You would stay for an hour, or two, and we would bid each other goodbye. No funny business. 

You were lonely, you said, and missed your family abroad. I never saw you as anything more than a companion, whom I would swim with occasionally. I was as lonely as you were. Pining for someone who never reciprocated. Your travails in love distracted me at night.


12AM, I heard a knock. I really thought I was going to die as I peeked through the hole on my door. No one. Slowly, I opened the locks, and there you were, drunk, saying you didn't know how you got to my place. Yet, according to your senses, have remembered to change your clothes because you knew I was OC. I was very confused. This only happened in TV shows.

I had a presentation the next day to the owners of the company, and badly needed to have a good sleep, but you insisted on telling one of your stories. I asked you to go back to your own unit. I must have asked you ten times, since you wouldn't budge, as you told me you didn't have friends, you hated your girlfriend, your life, and wanted to jump out of your balcony. Shit. I really had to sleep. 

You told me, some days you would wait for me to swim, and would look up to see if my lights were on. There was even a time when you came to my door and heard me talking to someone. Okay, what is happening?

I vehemently asked you to leave, and finally you groggily stood up and wobbled towards me.

You embraced me, really tight. 

As I closed the door, I watched you walk steadily. 


After a few days, you blocked me from all your accounts. Your final text said that your girlfriend found out about another girl you were chatting, and just to be sure, you needed to remove any trace of me as well. 

A chance meeting, nothing more. I went to my balcony and looked down on the blue water below. The pool was empty.
-------------------
This could be fiction.


x
Millie

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September 05, 2018

Board (Bored) Gamer


I didn't realize how much I meant to you until that thread where you thought I was gone physically, permanently.

We don't really talk at all; not on a regular basis. We just have this silent agreement to see each other when we're both available. You taught me how to play board games, we liked all kinds of play, you see. It was the only thing that kept our delicate, yet nonchalant bond.


It didn't use to be this way. You held my hand the instant we met. I flinched. Too forward. Too rash. Days after, we became an item. It was your birthday in a few weeks and your family wanted to celebrate in our local mall, around 5 minutes from my house. We had no choice, you introduced me. Too soon.

I adored you. You were my respite. We amused ourselves, often. Our lives became intertwined with us attending each others' family parties. Too fast. Too much.


In the midst of vague responsibilities, I accepted your flaws, until I couldn't.  You sat on the white hallway crying, telling me you couldn't handle the pressure of me wanting you to soar higher. You wanted to stay where you were. You didn't have grand plans. You were bored, and said you wanted to try and have a serious relationship. Bored.

It has been 4 years. The first year was the hardest, you recalled. You wouldn't see anyone because it still felt like "cheating," while I have... I have actually moved on to other things. Maybe, it was the work load. Maybe, it was the location. Too busy. I'm so sorry.

So now, we engage through board games after amusing ourselves on black sheets. We don't really talk. We just silently play, nonchalantly.

Until that day when you called me 14 times. The same number of those tiny, white pills I took. I didn't know if you were crying. When I woke up, I saw a white ceiling. Weeks passed until I learned what you did.

I am thankful. I am touched.

Let's continue this game some more, until we couldn't.

-------------------
I like calling him names.
This could be fiction.


x
Millie

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Listening to: Trivia:Seesaw by Suga

My Foundation-Free Everyday Make-Up


Almost a year of minimalist foundation-free make-up. I'm all about maintaining a good base--clear, healthy skin. Products used: 1. Garnier Micellar Water 2. Pixi Jasmine Oil Blend 3. Nature Republic Super Aqua Watery Emulsion 4. MAC concealer NC35 5. Etude House Big Cover Concealer 6. The Face Shop Designing Eyebrow Pencil 7. Dolly Wink Liquid Eyeliner Super Black 8. MAC Ruby Woo 9. Benefit Dandelion Twinkle Powder Highlighter

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Small, But Definite Happiness


1. The smell of Sweet Bamboo scent of my childhood room in my parent's house.

2. Seeing that small circle of grey, green, and black of you, watching my stories.

3. New chapters of my favorite yakuza manga

4. The thread where you called me a million times when you thought I was gone forever, even if we haven't talked for days, sometimes months, and we have nothing going on except for bored/board games.

5. The perfectly stacked Funko collection on my bedside table

6. The smell of grass after a drizzle

7. The cool air from the trees

8. The blue sky with dancing clouds

9. A tiny white butterfly that kept following me

10. Gumamelas

11. The thought of bumping into you at the mall

12. high CTR, cheap CPLC, high organic reach

13. Personal Acquisition Fulfillment

14. Utada Hikaru, BTS, Taekook, The Gazette, Sheena Ringo, RV,  TBS

15. Perfectly manicured nails

16. Fashionable people

17. lo-fi beats and obscure art because sometimes i'm so hipster

18. BBQ

19. Whenever I have my laptop with me

20. Sunsets

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June 02, 2018

The Truth Untold


I didn't realize what I was getting myself into when I met you.

You passed by to say hi. We were briefly introduced and I never thought of it. Recalling it now is a bit of a blur. What I do remember was our first official meeting in one of your office rooms. The AC was high, and I felt comfortably underdressed in my black shirt and jeans. I timed our talk. It was only supposed to be a 30-minute discussion, but we almost spent an hour and a half gossiping about that office bitch. Nothing builds camaraderie like a common enemy. 

Fast forward to a week or two, we started chatting, first, about official business, then it progressed to our love for this superhero, and his universe. It was unintentional. I was watching his TV series, and you had a car keychain of this character's logo. 

Then came a bad news that had you drinking in bed. My boss told me to call you to see if you were alright. You were shaken, I felt your loss, and fidgeted.

I looked at the screen, and my thumb as they pressed each letter.

Tara?

You drove a long way to see me.
We had another meeting the next day. Long table. Opposite sides.  I was glancing at you, and I caught you too. I was biting my lips so hard to contain a grin, I was conscious my lipstick would stain my teeth. You looked good in that black and grey checkered shirt I saw you in, that morning.

We then proceeded to a presentation a few blocks away from our office. Upon entering the vicinity, we chose a table with a laptop on, to eat dinner the hosts had prepared for us. Door opened and in came this guy who had been flirting with me during a shoot last Sunday. I liked him even before we started talking, but I forgot about him. He touched my back and kissed my cheek. Not your typical beso. He sat beside me because apparently, that table was his work space and it was his laptop in front of us. Pleasantries were made, you shook hands, and I felt my soul leaving my body. 

I excused us after eating. We told him we were getting something from the convenience store down the street. My legs were shaking as we walked down the stairs. I asked you to sit down with me. We huddled together on one of the steps. Slowly, I placed my head on your shoulder. We were bursting.



One fine day, a colleague of yours told me about how you were hitting on one of your subordinates. She didn't know anything about us, she was merely relaying it to me as gossip.

I asked you several times before if you were single or if you were dating anyone, because I wasn't. You said "no one." I should've specifically asked if you were flirting with your subordinate who happened to be your bestfriend's love interest. Maybe, then I would have gotten a more definite answer. Maybe.
I didn't realize how it has affected me until it did. We were never an item. We were nothing actually. But it hurt. It really did. 



Months passed by with a sinking feeling. Work never really improved, it just got more confusing. I stopped trying to date altogether. We never had anything for too long. Again, we never had anything at all. 

Reassessing now, you accidentally tipped something over; like a last stone that fell on a surface of a glass so full, a slight hush would've sent water trickling down the edges. 

It wasn't entirely your fault, but I guess, something in me finally unravelled after all these years. My spine finally broke, much like what happened to our superhero who started it all. 

I worked hard to earn my promotion. I had new friends, and a supportive family. Everything seemed to be going great, and my logical self was thankful for every single thing I didn't think I deserved, but received. I tried telling this to myself over and over and over in front of the mirror, in my head as I struggled to sleep, in the bathroom as I washed my face, in the lobby as I waited for my ride, or even when I looked at a picture of my family. 

But I just felt empty, and it would not register why. 

Have you ever loved someone for almost a decade and suddenly he disappears, as if he never existed? How about the death of your child?



But that's another story I wish I could tell in the future. Let's get back to you. 

You became a reminder of how hard I have struggled to do everything right; cleaned up the wounds, swabbed the right medicine, dressed the cuts gently, then violently stab the same spot again in one fell swoop. I wouldn't even give it time to scab. It's not all you, don't worry. They've been there for years.

So I quit. I gave up. I gave up on everything and everyone. I stopped moving forward. I was just really exhausted.

But a part of me still wanted you.

I created stories for you. I waited for you to see them. Your view was the only one that mattered. I rejected others because I wanted you. But I did nothing. I didn't say anything. I never contacted you because I knew this sounded crazy, and you wouldn't have believed me anyway. 



After several months, we saw each other again. I told you I missed you, and you scoffed. You thought I was lying, as if it were lip service. I looked at you, biting my lips so hard, conscious of my next words. I felt uncomfortably undressed. I timed our encounter. I was only supposed to be there for an hour. I excused myself. 

I just passed by to say hi.

One fine day, a friend of mine told me how you were now working closely with that office bitch. I couldn't fathom how you, of all people, could stomach servicing someone so repulsive. I guess it's back to business as usual. You had your reasons, and I had my conviction of dying rather than working with a corrupt person.

You stopped watching me, and I stopped making stories for you. It's been a year. I can finally write about it, which meant you are slowly fading from my mind, that I needed this as a reminder on how everything is delicately interconnected. The glass is still overflowing, but I'm trying to find a stronger lid altogether. 

I looked at the screen thinking of all the things I've gotten myself into. You didn't know this and maybe, it was all nothing to you. It's okay, I'm not mad at you, I actually don't know how to feel about everything anymore. But, this is the last time I am writing about you.


-------------------
I really like his name. 
This could be fiction.

x
Millie

Questions? Talk to me here: Millie's Ask.FM

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Listening to: The Truth Untold by BTS feat Steve Aoki English Cover by Ysabelle
Loving: 
Watching: Suits



January 02, 2018

Hurrah for 2017!

From the bright-eyed diligence, infatuation, to bittersweet goodbyes, 2017 swept and tossed us like the proverbial plastic bag. It's as if I've gone through a lifetime's worth of experiences, and surely, I wasn't the only one. Heck, I even went through a rollercoaster ride in the fandom I'm in. (a big hug to ARMYs around the world)

By the last quarter, I was left physically and mentally spent, which led me to literally stop everything I was doing. Everything came to a halt, and I embraced the stillness to a point where I have almost forgotten all these that I am grateful for. I didn't blog for a year, so this is gonna be a lot:

THE GOOD

1. Career Advancement - Within 3 years, I was able to climb the corporate ladder here in the Philippines after coming home from Sydney last 2014, all thanks to the people who believed and supported me. I have been mentored by the best leaders of the brands I handled, and I am forever indebted to them. With their guidance, I was able to take part in the creation of different campaigns, strategies and guidelines that would hopefully benefit the companies in the years to come. Kahit magamit lang nila ng 6 months, masaya na ako.

2. Minimalism and Financial Literacy - My dad provided me with a great deal of financial education last 2016, and I was happily able to apply it in 2017. Slowly, I was able to lead a minimalist lifestyle with my purchases cut down in half. I became more meticulous when it came to my finances, but still took risks. I ventured into a business and diversified my investments. (wow, adulting).

3. My Sister's Wedding - This is the first wedding in our family, and even in our generation in my dad's clan, so the celebration will be more or less a big family reunion. I was informed that a lot of the attendees are now trying to shed extra pounds for this event (push natin lahat yan). As the Maid-Of-Honor, I am tasked to assist the bride in everything. Now I see why people just go to Vegas. 

4. Rest and Recovery - As mentioned, I took the opportunity in the last quarter to assess, reflect and recover both physically and mentally. I started running and swimming almost everyday, I ate healthier and even stopped dating (which took like 54.36% of stress away from my life). I was also very selective of the people I meet, and spent more time with my loved ones. My sister is migrating to the US, so this is the perfect opportunity to be with my family as whole.

PLACES

I'm only including places with the happiest memories

From Left to right:

1. Baguio 
2. Penang (A beautiful, artsy island in Malaysia known for its UNESCO World Heritage Site )
3. Kuala Lumpur (2nd time in KL but 1st time to have my pic taken with the Petronas in the morning)
4. Singapore (4th time in SG but it was my first time to visit Gardens by the Bay. Go figure.)
5. Marcia Adams 
6. Sofitel 
7. Henry Hotel 
8. Taal Lake
9. UPLB 
10. Cebu (2nd time in Cebu but 1st time to go Canyoneering. What an imposing sight. A big thanks to Egan of nhagzventures.com for being our tour guide.)
11. Subic 
12. Acuaverde (1st time to take the whole family with all 3 of our dogs to the beach. This is one of my happiest memories of 2017.)



HAPPENINGS


From Left to right:
1. Pyro Musical Competition 2017
2. Wanderland Music and Arts Festival
3. I conducted 2 lectures in Lyceum of the Philippines University, thanks to my best friend Gail. 
    (I am passionate about teaching. I really want to pursue it as a profession.)
4. Digital conventions
5. An immensely interesting workshop/hobby I would like to undertake even further
6. Max's Bowls Film Shoot

my birthday celebration:

From Left to right:
1. I'M Hotel (spa and onsen)
2. Golden Sands Shangri-La, Penang
3-4. Surprise birthday cake from my sister in her condo in Malaysia
5. Surprise Birthday lunch with Max's officemates
6. Surprise bouquet from someone


Oo, puro gulatan noong birthday ko. Thanks, guuuyyyssseu.

CHANGES

From Left to right:
1. Farewell resignation gifts from my Globe Postpaid Team 
2. New Office
3. New condo with an awesome view
4. Healthier lifestyle
5. New family c/o my in-laws
6. Bedroom renovation in my parents' house 
(I'm just ecstatic on how it turned out. I donated and threw 75-80% of my belongings. Minimalist lifestyle all the way.)
7-9. All About Hair: Blue waterfalls hair---short blonde---Back to black

PEOPLE

BIG BIG THANKS TO:

my Globe teams: Postpaid, GOTs, Broadway, CMS and AdSpark
My girlfriends, esp Ralen, Pam, and Gail who have been there through everything, digital friends and special mention talaga si Jen, my very talented graphic artist for all my Globe projects, who shares my passion for art and music.

My friends from Max's and MGI teams/leaders, esp Gail, James, and Arianne for your patience, love and support. Thank you so much to Carat, Petch, JAW, Pabrika, Google and all our other agencies who made our campaigns possible. Events and ads galore. 
And of course, to my every loving and supportive families.
 to our Wedding crew hahaha
And to the strongest, bravest, most amazing human being I know, my Lola.

We may not have pics together, but I'm also wishing a blessed 2018 to the nurses, doctors, staff and friends in Makati Med and Asian Hospital. I will never forget your kindness. 

OH HAPPY THINGS

Josh introduced me to No Tomorrow and this show motivated me to create an APOCALIST. Thank you so much, Josh and Zane for checking up on me. May you two have the best years ahead. 
-
I also started a passion project on Instagram curating artworks.


BTS made me so happy last year. I've never been a huge fan of any band, but once you become a BTS ARMY, you CANNOT get out of it.

Quick facts:
1. They all came from provinces in Korea and started with a relatively small, and unknown agency. 
2. With minimal budget, they were able to become the #1 Korean boy group through savvy digital marketing, hard work and pure talent.
3. Current economic value: 1 TRILLION WON or 920 million USD.  
4. They write their own songs, about social issues such as prejudice, bullying and mental illness
5. They base some of their songs and aesthetic on classical art, music and literature, such as Herman Hesse's "Demian," D. Buxtehude's Passacaglia in D minor, a painting called "The Fall of the Rebel Angels" by Bruegel, Edith Piaf's "Non je ne regrette rien" for the song "House of Cards," and so on.
5. They've launched a campaign with UNICEF Korea called #LoveYourself
6. They have a strong fan base around the world with ages ranging from 13-50yo. They even have fans in Africa!
7. Anything they promote/advertise trends, gets sold out within minutes or increases in sales/market value.
8. America is currently all over them with diff celebs praising them. They were featured in Billboard Music Awards, performed in American Music Awards, Ellen, Jimmy Kimmel, James Cordon and Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve
9. They were in Forbes Korea’s Power Celebrity list of 2017
10. They were No.1 in 73 countries for "Love Yourself: Her" on iTunes charts following its release.

 They're hilarious, humble and the fandom is just too witty. No joke, I've developed smile lines from constant laughing at Twitter and YouTube's comment sections.  I'll stop now or this will turn into a BTS post. But, if you want to check them out, watch FireNot Today and Dope


So, to summarize 2017:

According to my Chinese Horoscope, 2018- Year of the Dog won't be too kind to us Dragons. 
K. Dasal dasal nalang. And if you've read this far, I'll be sharing this learning from my 2013 post which still applies this year: You cannot solve a problem from the same consciousness that created it. You must learn to see the world anew. 
Onwards then. 


x
Millie

Oh and here are my past Hurrahs. They're a bit different each year as they should be.


Questions? Talk to me here: Millie's Ask.FM

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