May 25, 2012

We Almost Broke Up: LDR is Not Easy


Like any other couple, Mark and I have misunderstandings. Sometimes, the distance gets us. Sometimes, Mark's too stressed from school and work, while sometimes, I have the inevitable period. Whatever the cause of our problems were, we almost always manage to patch things up.

Recently, Mark and I have been restless. He's been very busy with his law assessments, essays and coaching debate, while I have been preoccupied by scholarship applications for art schools abroad. We were so caught up with our lives that we never really got to talk properly for weeks. And when I say "properly" I meant seriously and honestly. We came to a point where we realized we've been lying to ourselves and to each other about how we really felt--that we've been unsatisfied for a while now. I guess we've been too tired,  or maybe too exhausted from waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting for 6 years in a row. Waiting for a day that we could be together as a "normal" couple. Long distance relationship is fucking hard I tell you. You really have to have a super deep, universal, magical shit connection to make this work. It takes a lot of self discipline, self control and commitment. 

But what can we do about it? We're both just 23, not too cashed up to live together, got careers to build, got dreams to fulfill and we're continents apart. He still has almost 2 more years of  law school and hopefully I'd get 2 years of Master's program and then what? What if after all this waiting and he finally graduates and starts working in a big ass law firm, earns loads of cash and decides that the cute blonde lawyer beside his desk is a more plausible Mrs. Orosa-Uy than the chick in a land far far away? What if the independence brought by money changes him? A lot of people change when they start working, I'm aware of that. I did. Earning your own salary is actually the best feeling because you know you deserve every cent of it and sometimes, people become really selfish, empowered and arrogant. And if you're like me with no responsibilities or bills to pay  (I have no credit card and I currently live at home. No debts whatsoever. I only pay our helper's daughter's high school tuition but it's not really much), then you're a fucking lucky bitch who can spend it all you want. But that's not enough. Smart men love smart women. If Mark has two degrees, I at least, should get a Master's degree so we're almost academically equal. If we want this relationship to work, we should see each other as equals so we respect each other. That's what my mother taught me. 

But...what if we both change? What if there are lots of better guys waiting for me just a village away? Take my neighbor for example, the house right across the back of my room is the home of a hot childhood friend from UP Diliman. He's literally a garden away. But I only see him twice or three times a year. Funny world isn't it? And to think he's really hot. Is this relationship holding me back from meeting the "right" guy for me? Is Mark really the "right" man for me? You get my point. 

All these questions about the relationship. All these over-thinking and analysis and we're both stressed and annoyed. We're pressured since we've been in the relationship for so long. Then we try to talk about it.  There's "the talk", and more talk, then we're both defensive. Then no one's listening. Then I get impatient. Then he just won't shut up.  Have you tried arguing with a soon-to-be lawyer? Have you tried debating with a debate coach? Have you tried reasoning out with a law student in STRAIGHT ENGLISH even though it's your second language? 
 IT'S FUCKING ANNOYING.  We argue in English all the time and I'm used to it but there are just some words you can't express in another language like, "Nakaka ano ka na kasi eh! Pwede bang makinig ka muna? Hindi ako kinikilig sa talas ng dila mo. Nahihiya na nga ako sayo eh, mahiya ka naman sakin."  If you can translate that, please leave a comment down below. 

I know I have my shortcomings as a girlfriend. I know I've hurt Mark a lot of times even though he has been so kind. We've both done a lot of painful things to each other, like any couple going through their years. I may have been difficult sometimes but I know I love him from the bottom of my heart. I know he does too. 

And so a while ago, we realized that it's not really the questions or the uncertainties, or that we're both stubborn and would not listen. We realized that we've been missing each other so much and that we were so frustrated of not being physically together in moments when we think about and suffer our first world problems. We just wanted to be physically together again. He just wanted me to embrace him after they lost a big debate competition and I just wanted him to hold my hand in ER when I got sick. He just wanted someone to kiss him after a long day in school and I just wanted him to look at me and touch my face--to assure me that we're fine, that this is working out and that I shouldn't think too much. It frustrated us that we couldn't hold each other's hands when we're feeling down. The distance can make us quite lonely, and we just didn't want to be reminded of it by the pressures of our lives.


So in the end, we decided to become stronger people and stick it out. 
What happened a while ago was not something life-changing or something violent that we almost decided to break up. Oh no. It was an accumulation of fears, pressures and years of doubt that brought upon misunderstandings and hurt. It seemed so sudden and trivial but in reality, even a tiny wound can cause serious damage. I know some of you understand these and have experienced these. I hope you were able to move pass any obstacle since they are part of any relationship. 
After all, these are just misunderstandings and these are just first world problems. Faith and Love are bigger than that.
x

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Listening to : In Your Arms by Kina Granis
             <3: Mark Ernest Orosa Uy
            =( : arguments

8 comments:

  1. Well said, Millie. And yes, always talk even on the slightest hint that there might be something wrong.
    I just ended mine. Sad but glad I did.
    Miss you both. Hope to see you soon.

    x

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Nica :) I'm really sorry about your relationship. I know you both had your reasons and if you say that you're glad about it, then I respect it. It takes a lot of courage to do what you did. We miss you too. We hope to chat with you soon when he comes back.
      bearhug!! :)

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  2. Am glad you guys stuck it out together. :)

    And I agree, LDR really takes discipline. Sadly, I wasn't one of the blessed people who managed to make it work. I was in law school here in Manila, and the guy was in England. He got really lonely, and I got too busy to actually pay attention. Funnily, we're even better friends after the break up. He's now getting married, and I'm so happy for him. :)

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    Replies
    1. Hello Layla! Thank you for reading our post. I'm glad that you're still best friends. It's sad that it didn't work out between the two of you but hey, at least you're good friends and you're happy. I wish you to have a happier relationship :)

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  3. Hi Millie! Great post! I can totally relate since I am in a very similar situation. I'm based in Manila, a graduate of UPLB as well and Micah, just like your Mark, is a law student and debate coach in Silliman University. While physically our distance may not be equal to yours, it's still distance and we do have the same yearnings and frustrations as the ones you posted -- wanting a hug after a long day or just holding hands and spending quiet time together.

    And your point about arguing with a soon-to-be lawyer, specifically one who is a debate coach as well? ANG HIRAP! Hahaha. Sheesh. But on one hand though, I've learned how to communicate my side in a clear and logical manner (at least most of the time) similar to how he talks when he's debating in international competitions. But still, it's never easy. :p

    I am glad to see that you and Mark have laid a very good foundation for your LDR. I think that's one of the key things why the two of you are going strong. I don't doubt that there will be issues and bumps along the way -- that's reality right there -- but I'm hoping for the best for you two. As you two have proven time and again, love and faith are bigger than distance. :)

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    Replies
    1. Hello Mitzi! Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me and my readers. I do understand that distance is still distance and that it can still be painful. I'm glad that you have learned to communicate your side in a "clear and logical manner" hahaha, I sometimes get very emotional when I try to argue with Mark. I'm happy you were able to overcome arguments with a debate coach. hehe.

      I am also hoping for the best for you and Micah. I really wish that you two end up happy in each other's arms and that you could be together under one roof or one area. Haha.

      Don't lose hope and I wish to know more about you and your boyfriend in my next LDR entries. Good luck and keep safe! xoxo

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